Letting pain rest in peace ACEO

Letting pain rest in peace ACEO
Originally uploaded by popcornfeet

You know I've been thinking about life all wrong.

And no matter how hard I try to Re-do... Re-parent... Re-think... My life is what it is. My past is what it is... And every time I make an effort twist and contort the way things happened --- albeit with the best therapeutic intent --- I only Re-injury myself.

I used to think that problems could be handled...Dealt with...Rationalized. That they could be put in perspective... Managed. Lived with....

And perhaps I wasn't entirely wrong in every case. But could they be solved? In the manner I was expecting? Hoping?

I was sitting here about an hour ago and suddenly felt like I was standing before my problems. Like in the movie The Matrix, when Neo sees those fields of bodies for the first time. That's how looming the scene was for me. Because each problem was a bed of lava with shards of glass poking out... And there were so many... The lava beds just went off into the horizon... and to the right...and to the left. And I was just standing there feeling very small.

And I guess it was than I realized that my whole life I have been looking for a way to walk across lava and glass and not feel it.

And that's not living.

There was more. There was the realization that no amount of self-help book can un-do anything... That no amount of therapy can realign grave injustices... And other things....

But the biggest thing I saw was the burning beds were only on one side of me... and I could turn away from them. I didn't need to find a way to walk around them. Or over them. Or pretend I didnt seem them. I didnt have to look at them at all....

To deal with my past in such an intimate manner was clearly a choice I had made...

And I started to cry...Because it was sad. Because it is...Was.... my life. And worthy of grieving.

But I'm done now. I'm going to let my life go on now... and let the pain rest in peace.